Alien intelligence invaded our cultural world, first through fiction, and then through cinema and TV. Today, the number of films watched and hours spent reading science fiction books is comparable to the time of the entire existence of humanity itself. The gigantic mass of time thrown out for this made earthlings specialists of the extra class in contacts of the first, second and all other levels. For a long time, the orchestra has been playing solemnly at the site of the “First Contact”, the bandstand and gazebos are decorated with balloons with joyful alien faces, flashing spotlights illuminate the arch of the first handshake with a round dance of girls dancing around with wreaths of gerberas – everything on earth is ready and, swaying, waiting for the most important meeting of humanity – only aliens are missing. The podium is packed only with onlookers scurrying around in joyful anticipation of an event that, having been played hundreds of times, seems to have already taken place.

Meanwhile, if you pick out any of the crowd and ask how they would distinguish an alien from an earthling, all the answers will be reduced only to comparing the difference in appearance – in our view, the alien guest will look like a funny New Year’s animal with some deformities such as a big head with small legs and horns, or vice versa-a furry giant with the minimum weight of the contents of the cranium, or even without it at all.

In parallel with the excitement of waiting for the inevitable Contact, there is a theory according to which uninvited guests from silent space, bypassing the solemn line of velcomization as guests, are already present in our earthly world as mimicants, that is, creatures that look like earthlings. During the Cold War, when UFO sightings by both the Soviet and American sides were almost daily, the special services of both countries were asked by analytical departments: there are plates – but where are the contents, where are the pilots with caps? Naturally, the special services came to the conclusion that since we do not see bug-eyed guests from Alpha Centauri walking along Broadway and do not read the news in the newspapers about how the Order of Friendship is awarded to another hairy Yeti in the Kremlin, it means that alien creatures have hidden among us, taking on our appearance.

Special services even then developed signs by which it is possible to calculate an alien among earthlings. Operations to identify alien visitors were conducted in the United States and here, and I must say, they gave more results than the notorious pursuit of plates. According to the available signs, a thorough work was carried out, and the results stunned the special services of the world. According to its results, more than 50 thousand extraterrestrials were identified in the United States, and more than 100 thousand in Russia. For the captured aliens, special research institutes were built, in which they are still secretly kept.

Recently, a Western scientific journal published these very signs of special services, which can be used to identify an alien among noisy people. Below they are translated from the original source. The selection of methods of determination was carried out from the opposite (in this case, we do not mean a person, but a selection method), that is, the most unnatural behavior that stands out from the general background was chosen.

7 ways to expose an alien:

1. Increased politeness – does not drink, does not swear, does not smoke, lets the ladies pass in front, gives up a seat in the subway, says kind soothing words in response to swearing, dresses carefully, cleans shoes and teeth every evening when drinking tea, does not take a spoon out of the glass, but does not squint at the same time.
2. Not just does not scold, but praises the authorities in all their affairs-praises not only officially, but also in his kitchen in an informal setting. Moreover, he praises any power – his own, the power of other states, the power of the past, present and future. He is tolerant of all pro-and anti-gay movements – and simultaneously participates in LGBT rights meetings, anti-abortion rallies, and clandestine orgies to protest the legalization of same-sex marriages.
3. He goes to all movies, plays, and municipal holidays, and always leaves only positive reviews in the review books, deliberately emphasizing their positivity by adding emoticons and other approval symbols. Photographed with maniacal persistence with all the celebrities and neznamenitosti Earth, thereby developing a database of images of earthlings. If you suddenly meet a celebrity who doesn’t like to be photographed, it’s probably a stupid earthman.
4. Always participates in all opinion polls and signature collections, often with the opposite requirements. When there are no polls, he calls the social services, TV and radio with an offer to comment on any of the events in the necessary editorial light.
5. Clothing and habits are static and do not change over the years, while these characters also do not change in appearance, that is, they do not age. In general, he likes to be nostalgic and remember the past. There is a separate caste of aliens that is getting younger, this is due to their physiology – they are like Benjamin Baton live in the opposite direction from us (it is believed that these are guests from a parallel universe where time goes backwards).
6. He loves fishing and hunting, and not for carp and ducks, but for exotic beasts such as hippos, rhinos, giraffes, whales, killer whales and kangaroos. He hunts not for the sake of a trophy, but for the sake of personal accounting of victories. At the same time, he is deliberately unsophisticated and simple-minded, gladly lets himself be deceived and cheated, always rejoices for the deceived, sometimes even throwing firewood into the fire of human greed, substituting his second pocket for theft.
7. He doesn’t know how to sing at all, but he sings whenever and wherever he gets the chance. Their singing causes a recto-wind response in most listeners. He loves to sing old songs, thinking that by doing so he will pass for an earthman. The same goes for dancing – he doesn’t know how to dance, but he loves it, and he always refers to his dance as vogue or bullseye.

The instructions for catching extraterrestrials end with a recommendation that if you find an alien guest for any of the above signs, do not try to detain him yourself, but call the special department of catching extraterrestrials at a secret number, and say secret words into the phone: “I kind of found it.”

Plat Servicberger

Based on secret media materials